Forgiveness has always been a strange word in my life. I am the daughter of a mentally ill woman, so the need for forgiveness came on a daily basis growing up.  Most of my friends don’t struggle with it, they either freely forgive or hold grudges. I am a strange combination of the two.  I have a difficult time forgiving friends who hurt me… its ridiculous and I wish it weren’t this way.  In my 30’s I have gotten much better at forgiving, and always at least try.

I am still working on forgiving the woman who harmed me severely in a car accident but I think that will just take more time than has passed already.

Forgiving myself is just confusing. I am, as I have mentioned before, a Catholic. I feel guilty about so much all the time.  I’m not sure what I have forgiven myself for in the past. Nothing this big I am sure.  I’m not sure where to start. The due date of my baby is approaching rapidly and I worry about it.

In the past I have processed the big changes in my life by the ocean. It seems to absorb my pain or confusion and enhance my happiness. A few weeks ago I stood at the oceans edge waiting and waiting for that feeling I usually get. That lighter feeling as if Poseidon has taken my burdens on as his own. This time nothing came.  Just nothing. I said quietly, “I need you to take this from me” over and over but still no relief.

I don’t even know how to begin to forgive myself. And it isn’t a time thing, time doesn’t change what I did.

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