Forgiveness has always been a strange word in my life. I am the daughter of a mentally ill woman, so the need for forgiveness came on a daily basis growing up. Most of my friends don’t struggle with it, they either freely forgive or hold grudges. I am a strange combination of the two. I have a difficult time forgiving friends who hurt me… its ridiculous and I wish it weren’t this way. In my 30’s I have gotten much better at forgiving, and always at least try.
I am still working on forgiving the woman who harmed me severely in a car accident but I think that will just take more time than has passed already.
Forgiving myself is just confusing. I am, as I have mentioned before, a Catholic. I feel guilty about so much all the time. I’m not sure what I have forgiven myself for in the past. Nothing this big I am sure. I’m not sure where to start. The due date of my baby is approaching rapidly and I worry about it.
In the past I have processed the big changes in my life by the ocean. It seems to absorb my pain or confusion and enhance my happiness. A few weeks ago I stood at the oceans edge waiting and waiting for that feeling I usually get. That lighter feeling as if Poseidon has taken my burdens on as his own. This time nothing came. Just nothing. I said quietly, “I need you to take this from me” over and over but still no relief.
I don’t even know how to begin to forgive myself. And it isn’t a time thing, time doesn’t change what I did.
I am post abortive as well. I know I had to choose to forgive others and myself, it was not something I just did once, it was a process. I also used to think a disagreement with friends meant the end of a relationship..I had to learn that what was really happening was it brought up all the other hurts. It is important to look at the situation and see if you are overreacting. It takes time and a knowledge of your abortion connectors.
You mention your due date..it is a big connector but you will get through it ..reach out for help
I am Catholic as well. Use your faith to free you not hold you in bondage. God does not want your guilt He wants your trust in His mercy. Here is an article I wrote on faith and forgiveness
http://www.ncregister.com/site/article/i_will_not_apologize_for_my_post-abortive_faith/
Lastly, seek some post abortion healing if you have not already. there are a lot of great ministries out there. Check out our site http://www.postabortionhelp.org we would be happy to let you know what is available in your area.
Peace…God is good and you can find joy again!
Thank you so much! I added your link to my blog as well.