Tag Archive: babies

Today I began thinking of what I am really mourning. I’m clearly mourning the potential. The idea. The what could have been. It was an early abortion so my baby hadn’t truly formed yet. It was just a lump of potential.

It’s like those boys I cried over in my early teens who never really were my boyfriends, just boys I had huge crushes on lots of hormones causing drama in my own little mind. Those tears were spilled over potential (possibly in my teenage head alone).

But I want that baby back today. I have a day off from work and am sitting in one of my favorite places on earth, a huge lush garden near our home. I woke up feeling almost normal, laughing over a strange dream I had. My baby’s father sent me a funny text and I sent back a pretty picture from where I was sitting. Then out of nowhere the picture of me sitting in this very spot nursing our baby peacefully popped into my head and I started sobbing. Right in front of a group of school children touring the garden from some far away norse land. Thank god for those big dark sunglasses in my purse.

I don’t want to be here.

I already hate this blog.

If I’d made one different choice months ago I would be about to give birth to my baby instead of pouring my broken heart and bleeding soul out to strangers on the Internet.

When you have an abortion, you certainly don’t talk about it with friends and family.  You barely make eye contact with the other women in the clinic that day. You don’t speak of it to anyone. It’s the most shameful secret a woman can carry.

I can’t talk about this to anyone in my world. So here I am. It has been 6 months and the empty, throbbingly painful numb I feel has completely engulfed me. I am usually a talker. So not being able to speak of this to anyone has only made my black hole grow.  It screams at me. It whips at me mid-happy sentence. It swallows me hole at the edge of the ocean on vacation. It creeps up just as I fall asleep.  It tortures me constantly, invading every single moment of my life. And rightfully so. I can never take back what I did in that moment that is now just a tiny blip in time.

Actually, I can speak about this to my baby’s father who I am still dating, and who is wonderful but he requires his own post at a later date.  And as amazing as he is, he’s not my girlfriends who soothe and heal me on all matters (that I can admit to).

Make no mistake, I’m not looking for pity here. I’m a grown woman who made a choice. A choice that seemed necessary and, oddly, right at the time.