Tag Archive: catholic


Forgiveness.

Forgiveness has always been a strange word in my life. I am the daughter of a mentally ill woman, so the need for forgiveness came on a daily basis growing up.  Most of my friends don’t struggle with it, they either freely forgive or hold grudges. I am a strange combination of the two.  I have a difficult time forgiving friends who hurt me… its ridiculous and I wish it weren’t this way.  In my 30’s I have gotten much better at forgiving, and always at least try.

I am still working on forgiving the woman who harmed me severely in a car accident but I think that will just take more time than has passed already.

Forgiving myself is just confusing. I am, as I have mentioned before, a Catholic. I feel guilty about so much all the time.  I’m not sure what I have forgiven myself for in the past. Nothing this big I am sure.  I’m not sure where to start. The due date of my baby is approaching rapidly and I worry about it.

In the past I have processed the big changes in my life by the ocean. It seems to absorb my pain or confusion and enhance my happiness. A few weeks ago I stood at the oceans edge waiting and waiting for that feeling I usually get. That lighter feeling as if Poseidon has taken my burdens on as his own. This time nothing came.  Just nothing. I said quietly, “I need you to take this from me” over and over but still no relief.

I don’t even know how to begin to forgive myself. And it isn’t a time thing, time doesn’t change what I did.

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I don’t want to be here.

I already hate this blog.

If I’d made one different choice months ago I would be about to give birth to my baby instead of pouring my broken heart and bleeding soul out to strangers on the Internet.

When you have an abortion, you certainly don’t talk about it with friends and family.  You barely make eye contact with the other women in the clinic that day. You don’t speak of it to anyone. It’s the most shameful secret a woman can carry.

I can’t talk about this to anyone in my world. So here I am. It has been 6 months and the empty, throbbingly painful numb I feel has completely engulfed me. I am usually a talker. So not being able to speak of this to anyone has only made my black hole grow.  It screams at me. It whips at me mid-happy sentence. It swallows me hole at the edge of the ocean on vacation. It creeps up just as I fall asleep.  It tortures me constantly, invading every single moment of my life. And rightfully so. I can never take back what I did in that moment that is now just a tiny blip in time.

Actually, I can speak about this to my baby’s father who I am still dating, and who is wonderful but he requires his own post at a later date.  And as amazing as he is, he’s not my girlfriends who soothe and heal me on all matters (that I can admit to).

Make no mistake, I’m not looking for pity here. I’m a grown woman who made a choice. A choice that seemed necessary and, oddly, right at the time.