Tag Archive: forgiveness


Him.

About my baby’s father.

I am so very lucky to have gone through this nightmare with him, but his body wasn’t the one involved.  He didn’t spend weeks after murdering our baby with sore breasts that needed to nurse a no longer living child and an aching sore womb. Literally and figuratively.  I wonder if he ever thinks about our child or if he just worries about me.  He is one of the most empathetic people I have ever met .

How do two people who adore each other move past something like this? Will I ever forgive us? Will he? I wonder if I will ever truly be able to be with him free and clear with no thoughts of how he drove me that day. How he held me when I cried. How he sat with me while I dry heaved over the toilet, sweeping my hair back and covering me with a blanket, even running to the store at some ungodly hour to get me something soothing.  So loving and understanding.

I go through phases of blaming him (silently), which for the record he does a fine job of on his own. He just seems to be the only person I can blame when I am not blaming myself, which is constant.  This is on me though, I am almost 40 and capable of making decisions.

I have been grateful for this man in more ways than can ever be spoken. In many, MANY ways he has saved me and healed me.  Sometimes I hate myself for even telling him and not just shouldering this alone.

When I told him I was pregnant I didn’t ask for his opinion. I didn’t say “what are we going to do?” I know him and our situation well enough to know how he would answer.  I deeply wanted to hear him say something that ended with the phrase, “… lets keep it” but I knew I wouldn’t hear those words. And it isn’t his fault. And he doesn’t know I felt that way.

I am lucky this man even glanced my way when we started dating. He is gorgeous. And brilliant and giving and hilarious. He is the most beautiful soul.

And that is another reason I mourn this decision I made.  Our baby might have had his eyes or his humor or his infectious glowing smile.

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Forgiveness.

Forgiveness has always been a strange word in my life. I am the daughter of a mentally ill woman, so the need for forgiveness came on a daily basis growing up.  Most of my friends don’t struggle with it, they either freely forgive or hold grudges. I am a strange combination of the two.  I have a difficult time forgiving friends who hurt me… its ridiculous and I wish it weren’t this way.  In my 30’s I have gotten much better at forgiving, and always at least try.

I am still working on forgiving the woman who harmed me severely in a car accident but I think that will just take more time than has passed already.

Forgiving myself is just confusing. I am, as I have mentioned before, a Catholic. I feel guilty about so much all the time.  I’m not sure what I have forgiven myself for in the past. Nothing this big I am sure.  I’m not sure where to start. The due date of my baby is approaching rapidly and I worry about it.

In the past I have processed the big changes in my life by the ocean. It seems to absorb my pain or confusion and enhance my happiness. A few weeks ago I stood at the oceans edge waiting and waiting for that feeling I usually get. That lighter feeling as if Poseidon has taken my burdens on as his own. This time nothing came.  Just nothing. I said quietly, “I need you to take this from me” over and over but still no relief.

I don’t even know how to begin to forgive myself. And it isn’t a time thing, time doesn’t change what I did.