Tag Archive: friends


I lied to my friend.

The pain of it all got so intense, right after the abortion. I was sorry I had done it the second it was over and spent the next 3-4 days wishing constantly I could turn back time. And I HAD to talk to my best friend about it, she and I help each other through everything. I couldn’t tell her what I had actually done, she had a gorgeous 5 month old baby she was excited about him.

So I lied. I told her I had a miscarriage.

I knew almost immediately this was a mistake. I wish I had thought it through further.

She did what she always does, gave me love and sympathy.  I didn’t know it until that moment, but I wanted neither. I don’t deserve sympathy or love. I wanted silence about it for a while. Even now, when I go through a few days of despair she senses it and knows its about the baby. That is when she starts in with the, “you can try again and have more!” positive stuff that makes it worse. I don’t want to try again, I wasn’t trying to begin with. I do, however and always will want the baby I had back.

I wish I hadn’t lied to her. I just added to the complicated misery of the whole thing. There are so many women who do lose babies and deserve love and sympathy over it. It is a horrible thing.

I killed my child, I didn’t lose it.

 

 

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Forgiveness.

Forgiveness has always been a strange word in my life. I am the daughter of a mentally ill woman, so the need for forgiveness came on a daily basis growing up.  Most of my friends don’t struggle with it, they either freely forgive or hold grudges. I am a strange combination of the two.  I have a difficult time forgiving friends who hurt me… its ridiculous and I wish it weren’t this way.  In my 30’s I have gotten much better at forgiving, and always at least try.

I am still working on forgiving the woman who harmed me severely in a car accident but I think that will just take more time than has passed already.

Forgiving myself is just confusing. I am, as I have mentioned before, a Catholic. I feel guilty about so much all the time.  I’m not sure what I have forgiven myself for in the past. Nothing this big I am sure.  I’m not sure where to start. The due date of my baby is approaching rapidly and I worry about it.

In the past I have processed the big changes in my life by the ocean. It seems to absorb my pain or confusion and enhance my happiness. A few weeks ago I stood at the oceans edge waiting and waiting for that feeling I usually get. That lighter feeling as if Poseidon has taken my burdens on as his own. This time nothing came.  Just nothing. I said quietly, “I need you to take this from me” over and over but still no relief.

I don’t even know how to begin to forgive myself. And it isn’t a time thing, time doesn’t change what I did.