The pain of it all got so intense, right after the abortion. I was sorry I had done it the second it was over and spent the next 3-4 days wishing constantly I could turn back time. And I HAD to talk to my best friend about it, she and I help each other through everything. I couldn’t tell her what I had actually done, she had a gorgeous 5 month old baby she was excited about him.

So I lied. I told her I had a miscarriage.

I knew almost immediately this was a mistake. I wish I had thought it through further.

She did what she always does, gave me love and sympathy.  I didn’t know it until that moment, but I wanted neither. I don’t deserve sympathy or love. I wanted silence about it for a while. Even now, when I go through a few days of despair she senses it and knows its about the baby. That is when she starts in with the, “you can try again and have more!” positive stuff that makes it worse. I don’t want to try again, I wasn’t trying to begin with. I do, however and always will want the baby I had back.

I wish I hadn’t lied to her. I just added to the complicated misery of the whole thing. There are so many women who do lose babies and deserve love and sympathy over it. It is a horrible thing.

I killed my child, I didn’t lose it.